Second Thoughts Read online

  “I’m in the bathroom,” Bettina yelled. Each day was getting harder as she tried to get a handle on the situation she had created. What could she possibly do to make things right? She had royally fucked up and had only herself to blame.

  She laid the book on the side of the tub when Melissa entered. Straight away she knew something was up. Melissa’s body language was all wrong. Her posture was tight and rigid and tension was visible on her forehead.

  “Oh good, you haven’t started dinner yet.”

  “Hmm no,” Bettina said playing with the foam that was threatening to spill over the edge of the bath. “I was going to but Eli dropped round.”

  “Oh, what for? Is she okay?”

  Bettina bit her bottom lip. “Not really. They’ve been having problems with Belinda again,” she said distractedly.

  “That bloody woman is a pest. I’ll give Eli a quick call.”

  Bettina looked up at her, suddenly feeling like she was in the room with a stranger. This was the first time in their relationship things had been strained between them and she was at a loss what to do. She was contemplating calling her bluff and suggesting they split up. But had decided against it in case Melissa took it as a green light to leave. “I’d leave it for tonight. Let them sort it out between them.”

  Melissa walked over and sat on the toilet lid. “Okay. I’m sure she’ll call if she wants to talk.”

  “So do you want to go out for dinner instead? We can go somewhere nice and romantic. Just the two of us.”

  “Actually.” Melissa crossed her arms over her chest. “I said I’d meet Faye tonight. Chrissy’s back so we’re going out for dinner.”

  Bettina twisted her head around to look at her. “Oh.”

  “That’s not a problem is it?”

  Bettina tried to smile through the lump that was forming in her throat. “No. Not at all. I just thought after all that’s happened this week you might want to spend time with me.” What is wrong with me? Why am I emotionally blackmailing her? If she doesn’t want to be with me, so be it. How was it even possible that in the last few days she had turned from a dynamic confident woman to a needy person? She knew it was because no one had ever challenged her status in a relationship before. She had always been top dog and all of her ex-partners had been the needy submissive ones. But Melissa, it seemed, was turning the tables without even realising it.

  “Bettina, I’m only going to be gone a couple of hours. I’m not planning on leaving the country.”

  “Okay, go and enjoy yourself. Don’t let me stand in your way.” She inwardly cringed as she remembered her mother saying the very same words to her father any time he wanted to go out without her. Needless to say, he’d left her in the end when he could no longer tolerate her clinginess. The realisation hit her like a bolt of lightning. Was she going to end up like her mother if Melissa left her; brow beaten, accepting any type of relationship through fear of being alone. She couldn’t let Melissa go under any circumstances. If she lost her, she knew her mother’s path would be her own. Jesus Christ, what if Sara’s going to be there?

  She reached out and took Melissa’s hand. “I could always come with you.”

  Melissa’s eyes widened. “But you hate Faye.”

  “That’s a bit dramatic. I’ve never hated her.” Maybe it was time for her to bury the hatchet with Faye. Well at least for appearance’s sake.

  “Well, in that case it would be great if you came out.”

  “Really? You don’t mind?”

  Melissa frowned. “Are you serious? Why would I mind? All I’ve wanted from this relationship was a bit of give and take. I hate the way you never make an effort with my friends but expect me to do all the running with yours. Surely it’s meant to work both ways.”

  “You’ve never said anything before,” Bettina said quietly. “I know I’m many things but I’m not a mind reader.”

  Melissa’s eyes narrowed to slits. “I thought it was plain obvious seeing as you never want to socialise with anyone I know.”

  There was a sharp edge to her tone which Bettina couldn’t miss. She truly hadn’t realised it was such a bone of contention with her, which made her wonder what else she had missed by not paying attention. Maybe she had been taking her for granted for too long now.

  “Well I promise from now on I’ll make more of effort. Are you going to stop being so distant with me now?”

  Melissa let out a heavy sigh. “Look, I’ll admit I was angry with you when I found out what you’d done, but like you said it’s over with now.”

  “You still haven’t told me why you met with her in the first place.”

  “She asked me out for a coffee. I could hardly say no after her travelling all this way for my hen do.”

  “So you don’t still have feelings for her?” she asked pushing herself up into a sitting position.

  “I’m marrying you, aren’t I? I’m going to get ready. Are you getting out the bath?”

  “Pass me a towel then.” She stood, the suds dripping down her body.

  Melissa got to her feet, retrieved a towel from the radiator and handed it to her.

  Bettina wrapped the towel around herself and stepped out of the bath. She stood in front of Melissa, her eyes scrutinising her face. “At least I’ll get to see what your fascination with going out with Faye is. Maybe she can tell me some of your dirty little secrets.” She grinned as she towel dried herself.

  “I doubt it.”

  Bettina raised her eyebrows questioningly. “Why’s that?”

  “Because I don’t have any.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  With one firm yank Eli pulled the loft ladder down and slowly climbed the metal stairs. She poked her head into the dark musty space, letting out a yelp as her fingers came into contact with cobwebs as she searched for the light switch and turned it on. The dim light exposed rows and rows of boxes full of her parents’ earthly possessions. Neither Melissa nor herself had been strong enough to throw anything away. In fact this was the first time she had been up to the loft since they had stored the belongings there. She knew she would have to sort through the boxes one day; she couldn’t avoid facing it indefinitely. Maybe she should start off by giving away the clothes and shoes to charity. But not today – today was about finding photos of Melissa for the wedding collage.

  She eased herself through the opening, brushing away the dirt that had attached itself to her trousers. Right. Where do I start? Eli let out a nostalgic sigh as she put her hand in the first box and withdrew her mother’s favourite sheepskin jacket, the one she religiously wore at the beginning of September until spring the following year. She brought it to her face and buried her nose in the softness of the lining, inhaling deeply in the hope of picking up the scent of her mother. Sadly all she could smell was the faint odour of mildew. I’ll take the clothes down today, what’s the point of them getting ruined up here. She knew her mother would have wanted her to give their possessions to someone who could make use of them. She lifted the box and put it near the opening. Deep in thought she opened each box, taking all the ones with clothes in and lining them up ready to take down. She’d have to wait for Scott to help her. She didn’t think she could manoeuvre the boxes by herself on the ladder. Ah ha, here they are. Lugging the box to the centre of the floor, she knelt down and took out several photo albums. A faint smile played on her lips as her mind travelled down memory lane. Photos of Melissa as a baby, then as a toddler, photos of Eli herself at her tenth birthday party. She remembered it as if it were yesterday. The purple mini her dad had presented to her on her eighteenth birthday. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Instead of feeling sad, the pictures made her feel grateful for the time they’d shared together. She caught sight of a red leather-bound diary. She remembered it well. It belonged to her mother. She was forever writing in it; days out, birthdays, memorable moments. She reached in and lifted it out. Flicking through it, she read through a few entries and smiled in the comfort that her mother had been hap
py.

  19th May

  I’ve never felt happier. John surprised me with tickets for a cruise around the Greek islands. Can’t wait, it will be like old times. Found an old swimming costume today and was thrilled to see it still fitted.

  21st May

  Yay!!! John has finally given in and agreed to get a dog. We’re going to Battersea dog’s home to choose one when we get back off holiday. It’s going to be difficult not wanting to take them all home. Can’t believe it, a cruise and a dog in one month. Life can’t get any better!!!

  Eli let out a sigh. Her mother never did go on her cruise or get the dog she wanted. That’s life for you; you never know what’s going to happen next. She turned the page and read the first few lines. Her hands began to shake as she reread the entry for a second time.

  29th May

  I can’t believe this is happening. Why God, why would you let this happen? Haven’t I been through enough? This is more than I can bear. Scott turned up out of the blue last night after all these years, acting as if nothing ever happened. John was so pleased to see him again. I couldn’t tell him to leave otherwise John would want to know why. I can’t bear to keep this secret to myself anymore. It’s going to kill me.

  Eli rested the diary on the edge of the box. She couldn’t bear to read on. It was obvious what was coming next. Her mother had told her dad about the affair. My poor dad. He must have been crushed. Despite herself, she picked up the diary again. Maybe she didn’t tell him and he didn’t die knowing his wife had cheated on him. She opened the page and started where she left off.

  22nd June

  Scott has been turning up every day, he won’t leave me alone. Whenever John’s out of ear shot he’s making suggestive comments. He’s realised Melissa’s his child and wants to tell her the truth. John thinks I’m being horrible for not wanting him in the house. We’ve been arguing about him nonstop. How can I find the words to tell my loyal trusting husband his best friend raped me!!!!!!!

  Eli’s chest constricted as the diary fell from her hands in what seemed like slow motion. She swallowed hard as she recalled the last days before the tragic accident. Her mother had looked pale and drawn. She had told Eli she had been to the doctor and it was a virus. Eli had believed her – why wouldn’t she have? She felt sick to her stomach. The man she had loved and wanted to marry more than anything in the world was her mother’s rapist.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “I thought you hated Thai food,” Bettina said as they crossed the road to the glass-fronted restaurant, where multi-coloured lights glowed around the edges of the window.

  “I never said I hated it, I just said I prefer other types of food.” Melissa slipped her hand behind Bettina’s back to let her walk in ahead of her.

  A large bronze statue of Buddha dominated the back wall of the small dining area.

  As they waited for the couple in front of them to remove their jackets and hang them on the rack, Bettina pulled her lipstick from her pocket and expertly ran it across her lips.

  “Are you nervous?” Melissa asked her with a frown.

  “No. Why? Should I be?”

  “Dunno. It’s just that you always reapply lipstick when you’re nervous.”

  A waiter rushed over to them with a wide smile. “Good evening. Table for two?”

  “Evening. No. We’re meeting someone.” Melissa stood on tiptoes to look into the crowded restaurant. Immediately she spotted the glossy auburn hair belonging to Chrissy. Smiling to herself, she opened her mouth to tell the waiter she had seen her friends when her mouth snapped shut. “Oh shit,” she said under her breath as she caught sight of Sara walking towards the table from the toilets.

  Bettina stared at her. “What’s the matter?”

  “Sara’s here. I swear I didn’t know she was coming.” She tugged on Bettina’s arm. “Come on, let’s go home. I’ll text Faye and say I couldn’t make it.”

  Bettina caught her arm, stopping her before she could make an exit. “No, it’s fine. We’re not going to hide from anyone.”

  Bettina side-stepped the waiter and walked briskly towards their table. Within seconds Melissa had caught up with her.

  Chrissy was the first to spot them and stood up, immaculately dressed as usual in a two-piece business suit and heels. “Melissa,” she said embracing her tightly, before turning to Bettina. “Bettina, it’s good to see you again.” She smiled warmly at her before leaning forward to kiss her cheek.

  Melissa caught Faye’s eye and raised her eyebrows, to which Faye shrugged her shoulders and inclined her head.

  “What are you both drinking? There’s plenty of wine and beer,” Chrissy said gesturing to the drinks on the table as they took their coats off.

  “Wine will be great. Thanks,” Melissa answered for both of them.

  Bettina looked down at Sara, with a cool smile on her face. “We’ve not been introduced.”

  “Not formally, no.” Sara stood and reached out her hand for Bettina to shake. “Nice to meet you again, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.”

  “Thanks,” Bettina said smiling. “We’re very excited about it, aren’t we Melissa?”

  “Yeah,” she said trying to sound enthusiastic but failing miserably. She was going to kill Faye when she got her alone. She couldn’t understand why she seemed so intent on breaking her and Bettina up. It was as if she’d made it her life’s mission. If Melissa had the slightest inclination that Sara had been invited to dinner she would never have come. Faye obviously knew that, hence why she hadn’t told her.

  Chrissy clapped her hands. “Right. Since we’re all here, shall we order?” she said brightly.

  The women sat down and automatically picked up a menu, their eyes scanning the offerings in silence.

  A waitress walked past the table carrying a tray of food, the aroma of curry trailing behind her. Instinctively Melissa looked up at Sara, where she sat adjacent to her, and quickly lowered her eyes again when Sara gave her a knowing smile. Thai curry had been Sara’s signature dish when they lived together. Ever since their break-up she had never been able to eat it again. It brought back too many memories.

  Once the waitress had served the other customers their food, she doubled back to their table and took their orders.

  Chrissy looked around the table and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling. “Talk about a dead atmosphere. What’s wrong with you all? Cat got your tongue? I’m starting to wish I’d stayed at home.”

  There was a ripple of polite laughter, followed by more silence.

  Chrissy grabbed a bottle of red wine by the neck and filled all the empty glasses. “Come on, please somebody talk, otherwise I’m going to bore you all with the ins and outs of my work trip.”

  “No, don’t.” Faye laughed and patted her hand. She turned to Bettina. “How’ve you been Bettina? Long-time no see.”

  Bettina took a sip of her wine. “Good thanks.”

  Silence.

  “So what did you think of the stripper Faye hired?” Chrissy asked Melissa.

  Melissa gave a slight shake of her head. “I could have murdered Faye for hiring her.”

  The women continued to make small talk about the hen do until the food arrived. Melissa leaned back in her seat as the waitress put a plate of yellow curry and rice down in front of her. Her stomach turned. It’s only food, it can’t hurt you. She picked up her fork and forcibly put the food into her mouth. She looked up to find Sara staring at her, obviously sharing the same memories as her. She ran her hand through her hair as she glanced around the table. Faye and Chrissy were forking food into each other’s mouths as if they were on a first date. A small smile formed on her lips. Watching them reminded her of the times Sara and herself did exactly the same thing. Whenever they ate out, they would spend half the time feeding each other. Sara liked to call it their bonding ritual.

  She was no longer able to resist the tangy flavours melting in her mouth, and she closed her eyes briefly as she savoured the taste – s
he had been doing herself a disservice by avoiding what was amazing food.

  “Hmm, this is so good. Maybe we should have had a Thai buffet at our reception,” Bettina said as she happily chewed on her food.

  “Hmm.”

  “Is Thai still your favourite food?” Sara asked.

  Though the question was innocent enough, Melissa saw Bettina’s eyes shoot up and look at her.

  Melissa squirmed in her seat under Bettina’s gaze. “Um…I haven’t eaten it in ages.”

  Faye leaned over the table with a grin. “You couldn’t get enough of it at university. You always had Sara slaving away in the kitchen making it for you from scratch. You two were always–”

  “Here why don’t you try some of this?” Chrissy intercepted urgently, plugging Faye’s mouth with a spring roll.

  Melissa gave Chrissy a grateful look before glancing at Bettina who was acting as if she hadn’t noticed Faye’s innuendoes. She then turned to Sara, who had pushed her plate aside and was tracing her finger around the rim of her glass. A profound sense of sympathy washed through her. Sara looked so sad. She wished she could put an end to all of this misery with a wave of a wand and everything could magically turn into a happy ending, but she knew this was reality and this story would have no such thing.

  To her left was the woman she dearly loved and to the right was the woman she was deeply in love with. Sara’s leg brushed against hers, causing her to jolt up in her seat, her knee knocked the table causing the plates and glasses to shudder.

  Melissa stiffened, momentarily abashed, as she looked around the table; Sara raised her eyebrows in response to her reaction. Faye had her head bowed, trying to stifle her laughter. Chrissy was looking at Faye with narrowed eyes as if she was a naughty child. Melissa could feel the heat creeping up her neck as she took a mouthful of wine and dared to look at Bettina, who was eyeing Sara as if she were an exotic animal she’d never seen before.